I want to walk on stilts...naked
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
