I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
