I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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