I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
