Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
