We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
