I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
