even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
