I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
barbara walters just said penis...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
