did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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