i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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