i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
