I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
