im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize