The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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