guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
