Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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