I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize