i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
