Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
