I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
