AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
