i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
