I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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