Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
