Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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