Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
