I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Green mimosas i think yes
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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