Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
