I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
