Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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