does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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