I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
