Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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