Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
