I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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