She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
