I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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