She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
