i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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