Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
