please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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