Im at strip club and am horny
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
