Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
