I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
