matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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