you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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