And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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