Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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