Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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