hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize