theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
