I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Michael Bay diarrhea
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize