I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
