just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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