Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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