I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
