Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
