Your mouth is God's brothel.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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