I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He passed out mid-signature
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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