the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
